at wits end...

I have been having a tough time with Ingy Badingy lately. We've been at loggerheads. She's been in a state of discipline more times than not, which for her has meant no TV. Pure torture. Her attitude has been sour, her words poorly-chosen: snippy and disrespectful. She is mean to her sister. She's been selfish. I've read "the books" and "done" the suggestions. I know it's a heart issue -- I really do.

I drove her to school today after another morning of battling, I was in tears all the way home. I just am discouraged...the specter of another 11 years of this broken relationship is daunting.

I was going through some of my old blog posts, and found this encouragement. Hope it's a shot in the arm for you today, too. I know I needed it.

things that I thought I'd never do as a mommy

This post is inspired by a post a while back by my dear friend over at La Dulce Vida. Here are 10 things that I thought I'd never do as a Mom...when I was still a doe-eyed, naive new Mommy:

1. Yell at my children.
2. Cry (in private) after yelling at my children and asking for forgiveness.
3. Buy breakfast cereal that contains marshmallows.
4. Buy clothing that displays a movie, TV show or cartoon character.
5. Buy a kid's book that is about a movie, TV show or cartoon character.
6. Buy a toy inspired by a movie, TV show or cartoon character.
7. Let my girls watch a "children's" movie that had a mildly off-color joke...and then have to explain that they are NOT to say those words.
8. Turn the TV on PBS Kids so that I could take a long, hot bath to get a moment to myself.
9. Cry myself to sleep because of a mothering mistake.
10. Reprimand the neighbor kids. Several times.

It's been that kind of week. I'm tired and very, very ready for my Girls' Night Out tonight with my book club to view Jane Eyre (which was our most-recent read).

10 things for which I am thankful - mother's day edition

In no particular order, I am thankful for...

1. Our just-right-for-us home which is comfortable and nicely decorated according to our tastes, and easy to keep clean as it is not a mansion.
2. My washing machine/dryer, dishwasher, stove, oven, microwave and hot water heater, all of which afford me more time to spend with my girls (and husband, but this is Mother's Day after all...)
3. Our reliable, safe, practical and fun-to-drive Subaru Outback wagon, so that I can safely transport our girls and buy the groceries and things we need.
   
4. Friends who are godly Moms of of whom I can bounce thoughts, questions and prayer needs.
5. My Mom. She's wonderful. She's reliable. She loves the Lord, and was and is faithful to raise me in the ways of the Lord, and consistently challenges me to walk in His ways.
6. My Mother-in-Law. She's NOT the stereotypical MIL. She's wonderful, too. She cares about me, not because I'm Chad's wife, but because she loves me, too. She too prays for our family on a consistent basis.
   
7. My husband, Chad. It's been 13 wonderful years of marriage now, 5 of which have included motherhood. He's a great husband and caring, gentle and engaged Daddy.
8. Ingrid, my firstborn...she's spirited, interesting, smart, creative, thoughtful, inquisitive, beautiful, quick to forgive and amazes me every minute.
9. Ilsa, my baby...she's gentle, sweet, kind, soft-hearted, feminine, bright, engaging, funny, and completely delightful.
10. My Lord and Savior. I could not have survived as a mommy this long without his grace and gentle guidance. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a Mommy.

Even though the girls look MAD in the picture above, they were actually really happy and just acting silly.

pride

This morning I took the girls to S-bux for our last long girls weekend treat. My girls were happily munching on donuts, drinking juice/milk and contentedly coloring. They were pretty quiet too. It was an idyllic scene. In fact, several people walking by our table directed smiles and cute comments our way (mostly because Ilsa was wearing a tutu, t-shirt with a tank top on top and a wool hat).

Then came *those* kids...we've all experienced them at a public place. This 3 year old girl was literally screaming at the top of her lungs, and her mommy was doing nothing other than cajoling her to go inside "like a nice little girl and you'll get a treat". Then came the "we're going to leave if you don't shape up" threats...not followed-through upon. She looked at me and mouthed, "how long will this last?" meaning, it was a phase, right? We could hear the screaming continue into the store (we were seated outside).

I have seen this mommy and kids there before on my Tuesday/Thursday mornings with Ilsa. There is always some issue...and a sheepish retreat from the store.

By this time I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I would never cajole. I follow through on discipline. I have kids who listen. I...I...I... For the most part, my girls are well behaved. They have their moments, of course. So do I (see "angry" below). But this gloating is a sin. It's pride.

Proverbs 16:18 - Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling.

Proverbs 16:5 - Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.

Proverbs 21:4 - Haughty eyes and a proud heart, The lamp of the wicked, is sin.

This mom genuinely appears to be struggling with how to discipline her kids. Since I see her periodically, what should I do? Is being a good example enough? Perhaps no one ever taught her. Maybe she's never stepped through the door of a church. Would it be awfully presumptious to buy her a good book such as Don't Make Me Count to Three? I really don't think that's the best approach. Ooooh, maybe I could bring the book to S-bux and read it; that might be a more-natural way to bring it up. I really feel for this mom and her kids. Things are only going to go downhill from here for her.

angry

**UPDATE**

Ingrid did not have a happy morning. Understatement. I left her in the capable hands of her Pre-K teacher SCREAMING AND WRITHING on the floor. But you know what? I didn't get angry! I kept thinking about Eph. 4:26: Be angry and yet do not sin...

Some more convicting verses I read today:

Proverbs 29:22 - An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 - Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.

James 1:19 - This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger...

I loaned a book to a friend a while back on this topic. She's Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill is a very practical, Biblically sound, really honest book about this issue. Maybe it is time retrieve it. Here's link:

http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Gonna-Blow-Dealing-Anger/dp/0736915524

****END UPDATE 8/28/08****

I had a great time last night with my soon-to-move friend, Kellie. We talked about everything from big bugs to homeschooling, but of course, as the topic so often does, we landed on the subject of mommyhood.

My youngest daughter can go from sunshine and gumdrops to a Nearly Mexico, AZ monsoon in less than 3 seconds, and then back again. (My first Kirsten blogged about this amazing fact a while back.)

But this blog entry is about Mommy Anger. Capitalized In Red. It's strong, ugly and scary. There is something so amazingly frustrating about a 4 1/2 year old who sticks out her little lip, turns up her nose, stomps her little fit and firmly plants her fists on her hips and says, "I....Don't....Want....To....(fill in the blank)". I know, I know, I'm the adult, I'm the grown up one, I'm emotionally advanced and (supposedly mature).

But just how fast can I go from sunshine and gumdrops to a Nearly Mexico, AZ monsoon? In less than 3 seconds, just like my 2 1/2 year old. I'm indwelt with the Holy Spirit! I'm regenerated! So why is this happening? Because I'm still influenced by my black as black heart, my sin nature.

Kellie and I discussed how the lack Scripture reading has a great effect on our day-to-day living. For me, the first of the Fruit of the Spirit to shrivel up and spoil are patience and self-control.

I guess I had better open my Bible and start reading...Ingrid's fists are moving to her hips, and that lip is starting to pooch out. It's Pre-K Day and she...doesn't...want...to...go.